“I will. I won’t.” (3/16/24)

•The above photo was taken 2/15/24, before heading to the hospital for surgery to remove cancerous masses on my right kidney.

In the interest of loving you correctly:

I will be talked down to. I will capitulate. I will do your bidding. I will not complain. I will keep my distance. I will keep my head down. I will smile through my pain. I will be a robot. I will know my place. I will eat what you tell me. I will sleep with permission. I will say the things you want to hear. I will not contradict you. I will give up my individuality. I will hate myself in silence. I will be a good parasite. I will strive for symbiosis.

I won’t question you. I won’t doubt you. I won’t think for myself. I will take orders. I won’t fight back. I won’t speak unless spoken to. I won’t like things that you don’t. I will keep my suffering hidden. I won’t be a nuisance. I won’t care about my own fate. I won’t look at you sideways. I won’t speak against you. I will defend you to others. I will leave when you discard me. 

I guess this is what love means. Your win is my loss. My loss of self completely. I give myself up freely. I surrender. I’m your possession. It’s the least that I can do. I know my worth. 

Nothing…

SPC