“A Tale of Two Summers (Part 3)”

 

"But if we can stay one inch this side of dying,
the most terrible things we can imagine can happen.
And our breath will carry us forward
when we don't have the strength to carry ourselves.
And we'll get another chance at not spreading misery,
at least for today.
And if I have to tell you that we are beautiful,
maybe you're in the right place..."

Pat the Bunny, from the song, "Run From What's Comfortable"

I had plans to wrap up this series while it was still summer. I wrote a draft of Part 3 but didn't publish it. Life has a habit of throwing me (and everyone) unexpected curveballs. The post carried a positive message. They all do, depending on perspective. Part 2 was about triumph. So much needed to be conquered for me to be able to share that story. My previous post, "I Shouldn't Be Here: The Collapsed Lung Incident of July 2023" makes a clear statement. That was my life last year. It got even worse. My DWI arrest was also addressed in Part 2. 

Today I feel strong, as I should. My original draft of Part 3 is unfit for publishing. It isn't due to a quality problem. When has that stopped me? What’s quality?

For me, August 2024 was outstanding. My writing is sometimes too "in the moment" for even my comfort. I'm an oversharer by nature, especially now. I live a clean, authentic, and honest life. I'm learning that these things are not appreciated by all (or many). Not everyone wants to see me heal. Not everyone wants to see me happy. It's just the truth. Should it be? I don't believe so, but people are people.

I’m not in a position to pass judgment, but it is my responsibility to manage my own stress level and limit exposure to negativity. Self-respect, prioritization, and frankly, self-love are minimum standards for a healthy lifestyle. All of these are new to me.

I have chosen to keep the details of our new relationship between my girlfriend and me. We formed a deep, loving bond in August. It's one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Sometimes, I have to remind myself she is real. We live two hours apart. Things between us became romantic on a fishing/camping trip. I alluded to that in the last post, which is why I mentioned it. 

Our relationship is healthy and beautiful. She is insanely gorgeous, super intelligent, and has shown me a depth of kindness I have never known before. Our inner workings are not going to be publicized. She will not be a "character" in my writing because she’s very special to me. I’ll be protective of what we have. I am deeply in love with this woman.

"The Journey" is about me. That statement should not be required. Still, I find myself repeating it regularly. Do not private message me with petty "content" complaints. There has been only one exception to the private message rule. I edited a post because it was the right thing to do. I unintentionally came across in a way that was hurtful to someone I care about. 

The other messages I’ve received have been nothing but whiny nonsense. From now on, I'll post childish complaints publicly and dissect them in posts. This will piss me off because I have better topics in mind. Please, just don’t. 

My blog is not a letter to anyone, a social media post, or a column in the town gazette. I don't name names. I wouldn't suggest provoking me into reconsidering this practice. I prefer to address conflicts face-to-face. Final warning. 

I didn't die last year. I should have, but I’m still kicking, so I may as well be writing. I have dreams, aspirations, goals, and motivations now. I haven't had those in decades. In my current life, I have leveled up exponentially. That is what should be taken away from my stories. My ascension was unlikely; some would say impossible. That mentality doesn't apply to me. I’ve been doing the impossible for a very long time. 

The biggest change in me has been my decision-making process. I started healing because I chose to trust myself. It's understandable why others may have seen this as a poor choice. I’m best known for my fuck ups. 

People shouldn't think that way about me now though. I don’t care about proving shit to anyone. Changing perceptions will never be my goal. Authentic people don't give a damn about their image. Fake people do that.

The change has paid off. People who remain in my life understand. I have zero patience left for those who can’t see and appreciate me as I am. It’s not a “me” problem, and therefore, it's not my responsibility to fix it.

I am still stubborn and defiant. Guess what? I love that about myself. I'd be dead if I wasn't. I'm sure many of you thought I'd list sobriety as my biggest change. Sobriety is extremely important, but I've been sober before. That by itself didn't change much in my life. Now, I'm in recovery. There is a big difference between sobriety and recovery. 

Recovery is all-encompassing. 

Recovering requires more effort than just abstaining from a substance. I don't use 12-step cliches. There are some useful suggestions buried within the dogmatic, cult-like, repetitious chants and slogans I’ve heard in those rooms. There are some applicable suggestions and parables in the Bible, too. I don't subscribe to that ideology either. I work my own program. 

As I've grown as a human being, my purpose has evolved with me. Evolution is something I am forever committed to. To stop growing is to start dying. Many people die slow, boring, uneventful deaths. For some, this begins in adolescence. I feel bad for those unfortunate souls. They seem to have reached their pinnacle in high school. Sad.

I'm living for the first time now. I mean truly living. Like my purpose, my boundaries are perpetually in flux. I've softened in some areas and stiffened in others. 

For the most part, I don't have any regrets from this past year. I don't see much value in regret in most instances. We get to work with the knowledge and wisdom that are present at the time. If I dwelled upon regrets, I could interpret most of my life as wasted years. I refuse to sit in that space. It’s pointless and self-defeating.

I formed and strengthened bonds this summer. All of this was accelerated by my cancer diagnosis last November. Basically, I no longer feel I have time or energy to fuck around. I don't waste my time and I don't allow others to abuse their access to me. I cannot afford to have toxic people around me or to put myself in negative situations. 

Oh…you all probably thought the "people, places, and things" trope (12-step jargon) referred to friends/family who use alcohol and drugs. Not in my case. I drank in solitude. I don't have party friends and I haven't "partied" in decades. The "people" part of that cliche has nothing to do with substance use.  It refers to abusers, backstabbers, liars, and ignoramuses. I’ve been forced to cut many ties this summer. I tried boundaries first. When that failed, I made cuts. My peace is my responsibility. 

In summary, “A Tale of Two Summers” is a story of perseverance, strength, pain, overcoming, and most of all: unlearning. I became myself during the summer of 2024. I should not have survived 2023. That season ended in arrest, disgrace, abandonment, and suicidal drinking. Without the kindness shown by one person, I’d be deceased. That’s as real as it gets. 

June began with a devastating breakup, forced homelessness, and moments of deep despair. I fought through it, rebuilt better, and with a lot of support, found peace and happiness in the chaos. Busking led to paid gigs. Heartache brought me closer to my children and granddaughter. 

My new mindset kept me on a positive track and strengthened my already deep commitment to growth. Ultimately, I discovered what true friendship is, what the word “family” really means, and how healthy relationships should grow. I became my true, badass self. I’m still evolving and don’t plan on stopping. 

Shawn being Shawn

I first heard the phrase, “Shawn being Shawn” from a friend, shortly after I was informed via phone call about my current cancer status. He and I were having breakfast at a local diner. Our conversation turned to family. He told me what was said to him by one of my family members when he asked them about me. 

Those words, “Shawn is being Shawn”, were uttered behind my back as an insult. I can laugh about it now because the statement is as clueless as it is demeaning. Nobody wants to hear about backhanded family bullshit while processing difficult news (cancer)…or anytime, really. I’ve completely run out of patience for that. 

Shawn is being Shawn…it’s true. I am being me, but it’s not a putdown. I’m proud of who I am. I’m a pretty dope person, so I’ll keep doing that shit. I appreciate the catchphrase though. Maybe I’ll copyright it. 

So, that’s my “Tale of Two Summers”. I took ownership of my life and my story. I’m dating a smoking hot woman and  I have wonderful friends. My recovery is rock solid and my little family is beautiful. My music ventures are beginning to thrive and I walk around town with my head held high, holding eye contact. Finally, I’m realizing my true potential. I have always had this in me. Cancer or not, nobody can take that away.  

Just Shawn being Shawn…

The End

“I want something more than an apology to say when I look the world in the eye.”- Ramshackle Glory, from the song, “From Here to Utopia (Song for the Desperate)”

One of my new songs from this year: