"A Tale of Two Summers (Part 1)"

 

"And I welcome writer's block with wide open arms because if I'm not writing, I'm happy.
Writing is just an escape from the day-to-day tragedy I find surrounds me.", from the song, "Wholesale Failure" by Days N' Daze

That's a great line. Days N' Daze have become one of my favorite folk-punk acts. I recently edited some of my previous posts that I had unpublished. They are back online. I had my reasons for putting them on the shelf for a while. Looking back at those posts, I realize that I was writing for the cathartic release it offered. I wasn't happy, but my healing process had begun.

As days pass, my understanding of myself and the growth mindset I've adopted become more refined and focused. Even as I wrote about one of the darkest experiences of my life in the last entry, "I Shouldn't Be Here: The Collapsed Lung Incident of 2023", I had different emotional responses to the writing than in previous posts. 

Life is never going to be perfect. I accepted that long ago.  That doesn't mean that happiness and contentment are unattainable. I found myself constructing the last story as if it were about someone else. More attention was paid to the style and delivery than the content itself. It's still uncomfortable recalling those events, but there is a noticeable separation from them now. It happened to me, but I don't identify with the main character as much as I once did. 

I'm a completely different person than the one who blacked out and inexplicably walked into the forest in the middle of a July night in 2023. No, life isn't perfect. It is beautiful though. My shit is far from together (I’ll get back to that), but I have manifested a new state of being. Damn...I'm actually happy and still writing. The song is great. Those lyrics don’t apply to me anymore. 

"But there are standards I expect our breaking up to measure up to, when you fall in love as hard and recklessly as you and I do. It seems the final act should have the same intensity as the first scene. If I don’t lose a couple teeth, then it just won't feel real to me." - from the song, "Like a Staring Contest" by The Future Kings of Nowhere

This is how the summer began for me. For better context, I'd suggest reading one of my previous posts, "The Journey's New Destination". I don't want to dwell on this subject. A six-year relationship ended for me in June. Great start to the summer, right? Honestly, it was. 

I've learned a lot of new terms since, including: love bombing, reverse discard, smear campaign, and flying monkeys; to name a few. Our relationship dynamic makes better sense because it. 

The song I referenced above is quite lyrically impressive, in my opinion. Listening to it would provide all the backstory you might need without me going off on a tangent about a topic I’m sick of writing about. To follow up on “The Journey’s New Destination” post; I did get my belongings out. It was far from drama-free, but it could have been worse. 

I am still staying with my daughter, son-in-law, and baby granddaughter. My gratitude for their generosity is tremendous. I’ve gotten to see that beautiful baby girl learn and grow. It has been a privilege to form such a unique and special bond with her. I will cherish the experience forever. There are many people to thank. This change was a group effort. There is beauty in interdependence. 

*Here is my latest song release, “Ivy June”. It was written for my granddaughter, born 11/7/2024, and released this summer.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=9bzNERrtQj0&si=wI7IfWdK1tCs5KwS

I'll be filling out an application for my own subsidized apartment this week. I have a friend helping me with it. My current life is possible because of the relationships I've cultivated. For most of my adult life, I believed I didn't have any people skills. Perhaps I didn’t, but now I do, and what a difference it has made. These new abilities helped to limit the damage caused by the smear campaign, too. 

•There are several poetry blog entries between the two aforementioned essay posts. These tell more of a tale about the breakup than I'm comfortable, or even motivated to share in the form of prose. Does anyone really give a shit about reading poetry anymore? Maybe those of us nerds who still write it, I guess.

A Spiritual Awakening

The breakup occurred in June, but my new life began before that, while my ex and I were still together. That doesn’t mean anything other than that I was improving despite the circumstances. It's probably a big reason why we broke up. The healthier I became, the harder it was for us to coexist as a couple. I am content with my effort to make things work. People break up.  It’s mundane life stuff.

I started writing again in January. This blog was created in April, 6 weeks after my cancer surgery. I hadn’t written much since college, other than songs. There were things I needed to say; axes to grind. My earlier posts reflect that. I now write for the love of it. Journaling has become a ritual. Some of that lands here. Most of it doesn’t. 

Since surgery, I have developed a keen appreciation for the value of time. Wasting time bothers me, whether it’s me or someone else doing it. In the interest of making each day count, I started busking in Watertown, NY back in April, as soon as I was cleared to resume “regular physical activities” by my surgeon. If the temperature exceeded 50 degrees, I was playing music on the streets. It was practical. I needed to practice and I wasn’t afforded the time to do it any other way. The experience has been valuable. I’m still busking, sometimes in Lowville now. I still go to Watertown often.

My ex wasn't big on transporting me (see previous posts for the reasons I don't drive) around, even as a client of the agency she worked for and while being paid to do so. Her work day was also mine. I made the best of it. My insistence on continuous growth meant creating positive and meaningful experiences out of otherwise shitty circumstances. Perception is powerful. 

When I woke from anesthesia on February 15th, the first thought I had was that I would live a life of great purpose from that moment on. I didn’t know what that meant then. My second thought was that I wanted to see my ex. So, my ideas were a mixed bag, at best. Kidding aside, it was a profound moment…a spiritual awakening. 

I hope this blog reaches people in many different locations; people who don’t know me personally. Most of my readers are probably friends and family (haters too). I appreciate them all. People who know me will be shocked at my use of the word “spiritual” in reference to my beliefs. My atheism is well-known and has been stated clearly and often. 

No, I haven’t become a Christian or a theist of any stripe. I’m not even a deist. I can’t explain my newfound spirituality adequately, because I don’t completely understand it myself. It’s something I feel deep inside that wasn’t there before. Understanding, to me, is less important than acknowledging the existence of spirituality in my life. I don’t subscribe to the efficacy of 12-Step programs either. This is something very different. 

Religious people believe they have answers. I have only uncovered more questions along the road of my own self-exploration. If this is an existential crisis, I hope it’s never ending. I’m still an atheist and will never entertain the shortsighted “God in the gaps”, apologist narrative in an effort to explain anything. 

My mind has become more open to phenomena that can’t be fully explained by science or logic. I probably alienate myself from other atheists with that statement. Fitting in has stopped mattering to me. If I’m fitting, I’m slipping. 

“Science fails to recognize the single most potent element of human existence. Letting the reigns go to the unfolding is faith.”, from the song, “Science” by System of a Down

This is a song I used to skip on the "Toxicity " CD while driving. I'm a big fan of SOAD. They brought a unique style to metal (some would say "Nu Metal". I disagree.). I didn't understand it in the early 2000s. Life would have been different if I had. 

Rejecting the idea of spirituality led me down other, more damaging paths. I couldn't handle life without numbing. I don't need to rehash what psych meds and substance use did to me. Unfortunately, my struggles spilled onto those around me, especially my children. 

“Science” is a personal favorite song of mine now. I'm still searching, seeking, and sometimes asking for guidance while navigating my spiritual awakening. Enlightenment is not instantaneous. Guidance is good, but my journey has been more internal and personal. There really isn't a manual for this. Becoming one's true self can be lonely at times. Growth has occurred more rapidly in the moments when I don’t feel alone. I'll leave it there for now.

"Just do the dirt and walk away and don't say shit. My momma didn't raise no snitch. If anybody asks, well then I've never heard your name...", from the song "A Glorious Shipwreck" by Pat the Bunny

As always, I keep the names of characters out of my writing. The exception is when I'm praising someone. I mentioned my father and maternal grandfather by name in a previous post. It was about my musical influences. 

There are some great people I don't reveal by name out of courtesy (either personal or professional). If my depictions are critical, I won't name names. That could have legal/civil consequences. That's only one reason why I don't do it. "The Journey" is about me. It's not a platform to trash others. If people identify as a character in my stories and are bothered by it, guess what? That's an obvious admission of guilt and/or culpability. 

To whom it may concern: feel free to write your own blog in rebuttal. Flame wars are great fun…sometimes. Ask the admins of r/bipolar. They tried to get me banned from Reddit but failed. 

“A Tale of Two Summers” will be a series. I couldn't possibly capture the many layers of this story in one post. Thank you for reading! Part 2 coming soon...

Self-promotion of my creative ventures below:

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