“I will. I won’t.” (3/16/24)

•The above photo was taken 2/15/24, before heading to the hospital for surgery to remove cancerous masses on my right kidney.

In the interest of loving you correctly:

I will be talked down to. I will capitulate. I will do your bidding. I will not complain. I will keep my distance. I will keep my head down. I will smile through my pain. I will be a robot. I will know my place. I will eat what you tell me. I will sleep with permission. I will say the things you want to hear. I will not contradict you. I will give up my individuality. I will hate myself in silence. I will be a good parasite. I will strive for symbiosis.

I won’t question you. I won’t doubt you. I won’t think for myself. I will take orders. I won’t fight back. I won’t speak unless spoken to. I won’t like things that you don’t. I will keep my suffering hidden. I won’t be a nuisance. I won’t care about my own fate. I won’t look at you sideways. I won’t speak against you. I will defend you to others. I will leave when you discard me. 

I guess this is what love means. Your win is my loss. My loss of self completely. I give myself up freely. I surrender. I’m your possession. It’s the least that I can do. I know my worth. 

Nothing…

SPC 

“Homecoming” (6/24/24)

 

I find myself longing for a place I once was very happy to leave behind. It was never about surroundings.

I packed up shards of my heart, then carefully constructed plans with a mind I couldn’t trust. In my haste, I neglected to drag my soul along. 

I ran from sickness. Sickness travels. A fools endeavor. I’m not the first. 

I built a sand castle and named it home. When it washed away, I buried my head in its shell. I became a shell in the process.

And now I see the beauty of the forest and hear the music of the creek of my youth in my mind and wonder why I wished it away so frivolously. 

This place has it charms, but it diminished me. I’m not as strong as I thought, or even half as smart. I feel my energy leaving…albeit slowly. 

I’m not far, but I’m a million miles away from where I desire so much to return and replant these weathered roots, before I’m washed away like my temporary castle.

I am temporary too…we all are. Time is an unforgiving tyrant. 

I feel as though I may finally lay my sickness down, but I’ll drown it in the river for the benefit of everyone, just to be safe.

I need to go home.

SPC

“Weak Spot”

 

That loathsome hill beckoned again.

Broken bodies remember uniquely.

Leveraged black rubber and combustion

engine cruelty still smashing my joints…

Relentless…

You inflict this pain through absence.

I know you’re aware. I needed this lesson.

The vortex you propagate tugs at a man’s 

dwindling spirit.

Plotted, orchestrated, unfolding. 

Freedom is suffering. Autonomous in despair. 

I sit in silence, waiting for my future to

be decided by deniers of clear deficit. 

You withheld. Such a disingenuous, 

false promise making beast, shrouded

in irresistible flesh, asserting unfair disadvantage. 

I’m soon to be starving and exposed to 

unspeakable elements. You lie in wait…

Ready to devour me again. I’ve truly lost

the strength to induce the vomiting of liberation. Just digest me with intended permanence.

I’m tired.

Circle above your prey, my beautiful vulture. The putrefaction process has begun. It is your nature to feed. 

6/23/24 “Gratitude & Loss”

 

If I believed that things happened for a reason, I would be bitter and riddled with deep despair. I choose to embrace randomness.

Your purpose is meant to evolve and so are you. I have found generosity in a time of great loss. I am grateful for what is real.

Romantic love is only one of many strains. While it’s the most rare and exciting, it’s also the most volatile. True friendship is steady. It doesn’t leave.

Perception defines the factual. We are not compiled data. We are sentient. Our energy manifests our reality. Find peace in what is. 

I feel the love I’m given, as I mourn the unreciprocated. Emotions can contradict. Equilibrium is true peace. 

If chaos is my balance, I will learn to love chaos. I will smile in defiance as my world burns.

SPC

“Of Smear Campaigns”

In response to underwhelming force (message to self):

Someone else’s hatred toward you shouldn’t be absorbed if it’s invalid. It can and should be rejected in its entirety. 

Poorly constructed arguments are not cues for response. They are unworthy of your skill. Wait for relevance and you’ll die curious…perhaps disappointed and bored.

Your current restraints keep chains in place only for so long. This is the time for plotting. This has been your soft stuff. Trust that.

Your mind is an armory. These munitions are produced daily, waiting to become useful on multiple fronts when the moment for striking presents.

Stay peaceful by default, but be capable. The adversary inspires no inherent fear responses. Mediocre pettiness is no prerequisite for respect. Yawning with vigilance…

Cheap shots inflict superficial wounds. Be over this wasteful conflict. You have much love to offer. Ration your vengeance. Don’t destroy yourself by becoming something lesser. 

This doesn’t suit you. Ignore the sad, grasping provocation. Your time can always be better spent doing nothing. Remember without lamenting.

SPC

6/24/24 “Motel Musings”

 

“Motel Musings”

Some things are not meant to be understood, so don’t understand. 

Love is like a savage beating. Happiness means taking the punch.

Everything is temporary. Sometimes, that is permanent. Take chances. 

Failure is part of the experience. Choose disappointment, or quit.

When your heart stops breaking, it still beats. Heartlessness is not existence. 

Belief is meaningless. Reality defies belief. Demand evidence. 

Trauma doesn’t build strength, but it may generate unwanted wisdom. 

The Universe hates no one. It loves no one. The Universe is indifferent.

And that, my friends, is the true nature of beauty. 

 SPC

7/3/2024 “Dust”

(presented without context and crossposted)

Dust

My mindset is a solar flare, my body a damaged vessel; serviceable.

I had to lose one to build the other. 

Simultaneous existence was never feasible.

It chose me in this instant. Strength in weakness. Persistence in pain.

I see that nemesis of a hill approaching and I sweat beads of resentment. 

The hill is not my enemy. It is neutral.

Behold the anguished ascent to the summit of unloving. 

Heartstrings now severed. Better off. 

My love is never practical nor wise. 

To suffer is hopeful. Otherwise, why carry it? 

My game is not hopelessness. I refuse to win in that fashion. 

My stubborn nature insists on correctness in victory. I am no team player. 

Don’t follow, but never dare to coach. You are not qualified. 

Give me the heat of the asphalt as I crave cool streams. 

This indignity of remembrance through the filtered eyes of tribal side choosers and snakes. 

I’ll be the villain in all of your stories, though you know me only through the lens of biased anecdotes. 

I smile with the silent indifference of unspoken truths forever withheld.

Never overestimate the pressure applied by forces easily resisted. I’m made of different dust.

spc